Answers from six graders for a history test. Hilarious.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundren porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and, withou them, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. Myths are female moths.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuts, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, “Tee hee, Brutus.”
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen, she was a sucess. When she exposed herself in front of her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.”
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenburg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money, and is famous only becuase of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to get laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltion wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died, and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaraiton of Independance. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln beacame America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Licoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. One the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposinly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compostions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
In the ninteenth century, Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper. This did the work of 100 men.
via Sorrowful Angels
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