Thank you for all your prayers, concern and well-wishes. I’m doing much better. Faith and I actually made up the very night I wrote the last entry.
The over-active thyroid does things to me. I’ve always added a pinch of salt whenever people blamed their actions on their hormones. But here I am, disproportionately angry at anything that buzzes my radar tower. Faith said that even though my hormones are acting up, there always is a choice involved, but the moment of choosing is more like an instance of choosing; before you actually choose the act, you’ve acted. I find myself doing things I normally wouldn’t do. I drive a little faster, I get a little angrier, I’m more incredible Hulk than Bruce Banner. There are times it feels like I’m looking down on myself doing those things, unable to reconcile will and body.
I’m learning how to deal with this. I know medication will help; and I am on my prescribed medication, but I don’t want this phase of my life quenched without having fully tasted the Hyde that completes Jekyll. Well, maybe not fully tasted, but a sip is an entire doorway to self-discovery.
We’re all wretched people, you know? We’re all messed up, and hiding behind our routines and busyness, our thin veneer of civility. Shawn Colvin’s “Never saw blue like that before” plays endlessly on repeat. I’ve never seen blue so black, and yet it is the black that gives the dark blue its regal soothing hue.