It seems so stupid, but sometimes we don’t do the right thing, even when we know it’s the right thing, because it’s a little late to do the right thing.
These are things not many people know about me.
When I was one month old, my parents left me in the care of a nanny whom they paid. I went home to my parents every Saturday night and came back every Sunday night. For the longest time I thought that my nanny’s family was my real family and my parents were the weekly abberation in the fabric of reality. I still call my nanny Mama, her children “Jie Jie” and “Kor Kor” (meaning brother and sister in the Chinese dialect we spoke). Till this day I believe that a large part of my character is derived from having lived there and having called them family.
But somewhere the aberration became the norm. I was moved back to my parents when I began formal education. I’d visit Mama every week. Slowly every week became every month. And every month became whenever. If ever.
Why don’t I visit more often? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t know what to say. Or maybe I’m afraid that the person I see before me isn’t the same person I remember from my childhood. Perhaps some part of me wants things to be the way they are, not wanting to rock the proverbial boat.
I was in Mama’s neighbourhood today. I decided to take the elevator up. The entire place had recently been repainted, now looking more like a set of building blocks than apartment blocks. Red, green, yellow and blue replaced the old cream coloured buildings that had turned a stale light brown with age. That aside, everything felt so very familiar. Like walking to the bathroom in the dark. You know where the light switch is.
I walked up to the corridor and looked at her door. It was half-open. And I froze.
I didn’t dare look in for fear of being seen. What if she asked “what took you so long?” What would I say? Where would I hide my unfillial face?
I stood there for the longest time. Then I headed home and left home behind me, still unvisited. Unresolved.
i think you should visit while u still have the chance to. you could make amends. mothers have this way of knowing when you’re sorry and just accepting you back with a big hug and sometimes that’s all that’s needed to fix things and make it a bit better.
don’t waste the opportunity while you still have her around. you might regret it more later when she isn’t.
You should really visit her one day. She will be happier to see you than to blame you for not visiting more often.
Go before its too late. I wish I visited my grandma before she passed away. Don’t make the mistake I did, friend.
Hey, check out an old pix I posted on my blog. You’re in there.
Buy her mooncakes when you visit. It’ll give you an excuse to pop by.
Excellent idea Mis_Nomer.
i had a babysitter too. and i wholly identify with what you wrote. i don’t know why i don’t visit her more often either. it’s not that i don’t think of her. but.
got a surreal feeling, looking at that pix. that is the very same corridor that brings me tons of memories. memories that include you and min. very fond memories. thing is, your thoughts are much appreciated. dont think that there are any expectations here. not from me at least. visit when you are ready. visit when you want to. just remember that you have always been thought of fondly.
It’s never too late to say hello to someone who cares for you
:)