…as you’re growing, you must remember
that nothing lasts, except the grace of God
by which I stand in Jesus.
- “Grace by which I Stand” by Keith Green
Anne’s sitting on my lap. It’s 6:30 in the morning, and she has woken up every single hour of the night wanting to be coddled and this time she doesn’t look like she’s going back to sleep.
There’s a certain magic about babies. Somehow they make you forget how dastardly they were ten minutes ago. It’s some sort of amnesia dust that is sprinkled on their hair or something - undoubtedly God’s way of making sure humans won’t be too traumatised by their first child to want to have a second.
Yesterday I received a job offer. I don’t apply for many jobs - only the ones whom I think offer a chance to do good work. Had the offer come a week ago, it would have been a no-brainer, but I think God doesn’t like no-brainers. A lack of dilemma negates the whole concept of free-will.
A week ago things were looking undecidedly bad. I run my own business doing web stuff, and after Anne was born, I kinda burned my bridges. I declined on projects in order to look after her in the initial months. Given that most of what I land comes from client referrals, turning away projects breaks the chain; and starting all over again isn’t easy at all.
Now that Anne’s more settled and both our parents are getting some playing time, I’ve been trying to do just that - start all over. I’ve also been applying for a couple of jobs here and there. It’s been a humbling experience.
Everyone has stuff they hold on tight to - stuff which helps define who they are; separate them from the rest of the world. Some people pride themselves in being great at their job, others drive on the highways thinking they handle the wheel better than that “woman driver”, some in their paper qualifications etc. It’s hard to take pride in being a good father. Not that it’s unrewarding, but you’re a shoo-in for the job. You’re the best and worst candidate. You don’t get fired for doing a bad job, nor do you get promoted for doing a good one. Fatherhood redefines you - and I didn’t have the structure of a 9 to 5 to fall back on.
Just a few rejected job applications. Well, they don’t exactly reject you, they just don’t get back to you. It certainly disappointed me. I felt I had done well education-wise. Workwise I was, at least I think, pretty much ahead of the curve when it came to web stuff in Singapore. Heck, I’ve won every “employee of the month” over the course of the last two years, working in my one-man business. Slowly everything I held on to, that made me “me” was being stripped away. Being prideful as I am, I still hold on to them, taking out my trophies and polishing them every now and then. But in the middle of the night, especially tonight, it is not the past achievements that matter, but whether I get my butt out of bed and pick my daughter up, giving Faith some much needed shuteye.
Over the last few days, business has been pouring in and I find myself “in the game” yet again. And with the job offer to consider, it is too easy to go back to feeling great about myself and how “in demand” I’ve become. Then Anne poops and I manage to reach the tissue box and stuff a couple down her diaper just before the shit literally hits the fan.
That’d be me. Poop cleaner extraordinaire.