“Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.” - The punchline of a joke too often used by priests, ministers, aspiring emcees at weddings.
Our lives as parents seem like a long chain of chores, and any free time between planned chores is quickly consumed by the immediate needs of the present. This weekend has been especially hectic with Anne succumbing to a minor flu and Caleb learning that being carried is preferable to lying in his cot.
I toil endlessly, strengthened every now and then by moments where our children are angels and the universe is in harmony, in order to deal with the illogical and unreasonable demands of same-said children. But what buoys my spirits the most is seeing Faith by my side. We exchange silent “I love you”s like members of a boy band lip-syncing to a pre-recorded track.
The premise is simple - there is solidarity in mutual suffering.
But it also goes against the very human trait to be averse to suffering.
We currently face the decision of whether to hire a domestic helper.
I was at a social event the other day, sitting with Caleb in my arms, hoping no one would notice me although I sat right smack middle of the entrance. The crowd was made up of lawyers, business-people and corporate types, and the conversations were mostly shop talk. The men would discuss their latest exploits in the corporate world while their wives - equally significant in corporate ability if not more so - kept an eye on their children.
“When you get a helper you get used the lifestyle. There is no turning back,” someone said.
It is true that almost all Singaporean middle class and up have a domestic helper to help with the house and kids. It is not uncommon to see women, children and helper. The job of the majority of these men is that of chauffeuring the family about, concentrating on their job and their golf swing.
It is extremely tempting to have more spare time for the better things in life. Maybe more time with Faith. I wouldn’t have to bother with the baby’s laundry or ironing the family’s clothes. But I wonder about the value of these menial tasks, and if I’ll lose a part of myself by not doing them. Or if the warmth of sitting down beside Faith after putting the kids to bed will subside if I outsourced it.
There are some things found only on the other side of the inconvenience of shared labour. I don’t know exactly what they are, or if they’ll be lost when the act of labour is removed, but I’m deathly afraid to lose them.
You can consider someone on a part-time basis for an in-between balance of both.
Part-time help can come in 3x/week to manage the weekday chores like washing/cleaning/ironing etc freeing you both to do the other stuff when you get back.
Hey Han,
Great blog you have going here.
Tough questions of life eh? For what its worth, I DO notice the differences between your family and our other peers in Singapore that have live-in domestic help.
Yours and Faith’s ‘model’, tough as it is, has to me, been inspiring and an indication of true ‘partnership’ and solidarity thru the ‘slings and arrows’ of domesticity + child-bearing ;) There is a certain warmth to be sensed in that investment of self in your relationship with each other, and with Anne, so kudos to both of you for sticking it out thus far especially in a warped environment like Singapore, where outsourcing to grandparents/live-in help is taken for granted. Doesn’t help also that the ‘gahmen’ + cost of living makes it even tougher to foster any sort of ‘normal’ and meaningful nuclear family life, so what you both have done is really admirable.
Like you, I have objections to the structure and philosophy of live-in domestic-help in Singapore.. no minimum wage, overworked, and treated like less-than-equal citizens…chattel rather. It would be a hard thing for me to be reminded each day that I am contributing towards the slave-trade also… (as u mentioned before)…so I guess if u still feel the same way, the compromise is part time (non live-in) help as mentioned above? Its still non-intrusion of privacy into your family life + you get some amount of energy + QT back perhaps with each other..
Should you decide finally on live-in help however, I have no doubt that you and Faith, will be compassionate, and caring ‘employers’ and ‘managers’ :))
(Just the fact that you struggle over this question instead of taking it for granted like most people in Singapore assures me of this!!!).
xx
rans
Just to clarify though that my siblings and I pretty much grew up with domestic live-in help till I was about 19.
When we sent the final one home, it was more pleasure than pain and we adjusted quite well to the new-found chores.
Sure, it really sucks to have to do everything yourself but after a while, you start to get smart about doing things. Since the departure, I only iron my clothes about 6x/year. The other times I either buy non-iron stuff or just live with a wrinkle or two. ;)