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Struggles Within

Church camp is over. It has not been easy.
I'm not talking about looking after the children, or about having to wake up early. It is the sobering nature of the messages that has hit home hard into my very being. Much was spoken about the end times, and how close we are to that day. The Middle-Eastern conflict and its biblical implications. The changes in world history, scientific discovery, and all their place in the fulfillment of biblical prophecy. You might think it's all very subjective. When it comes to Israel, God's chosen people in the Old Testament, the Bible is very specific. The coming of age and realisation of the spiritual reality is almost scary.
The greatest struggle for me revolved around my relationship between Faith and I. No, we didn't have any argument. There has been no conflict whatsoever. Sometime recently we've grown more earthly. Perhaps it's the fact that she's been working for some time. As we approach the issue of marriage we've become more pragmatic and less dependent on God.
I know the life that I've been called to live. It will be hard to have a family and still live that life. I do not want to amass wealth for a nest egg. I want to help the homeless at the cost of my family's safety. I want…and yet I do not want. I'd much rather play it safe and do things the traditional way, but my life would just ebb into the smooth unruffled fabric of everyday life. When I hear about how near Christ's second coming is, I know that I have to be faithful to my calling, and a dilemma within me arises.
These past few nights have been spent in tears and anguished prayer. I know that God wants me to give my relationship with Faith up unto Him, impending marriage and all. Somewhere, somehow God has been moved to the back while we were busy making plans. He wants first place in our hearts. My heart battles. <em>"No"</em> I cry. Faith means too much to me. I cannot find it within myself to disappoint both me and her by submitting both our futures to God who might very well change them beyond recognition.
But there is little time. Christ is coming back soon. I grit my teeth and decide to put God first. I pray for strength to make my decision endure. I have to live my life the way He wants me to. It doesn't matter anymore whether I marry Faith or not. I know that His will has both our interests at heart. I tell Faith of the life I'm called to live. I tell her how precarious maintaining a family under those conditions would be. I tell her that I can go no other way.
She struggles with the fact that both our lives will never be the same. Two days pass and she smiles at me. She has chosen to live this life together with me. God will provide for us and our children (should we have any). But we're not going to make a lot of money. We're not going to drive big cars or live in big houses. In our weakness and frailty we ask that God takes our lives, and changes them to whatever He wants.
To Him be the glory. All of it.
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