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Many years ago I started a journal. One penned in ink, long before this blog was ever formed. Looking back, I wrote not only because I wanted to know my own thoughts better, but also because somewhere deep inside I wished that my thoughts would one day be made known to the people around me. To ones I knew, and maybe ones I never got the chance to. Years later I gave the journal away to my closest friend, who in turn gave me his. Our thoughts were made known – in its entirety – to each other.
When I started this blog I had meant for it to be very much like my written journal – personal … honest … truthful. I wanted to be able to jump out of my bed and start hitting the keys like a monkey typist gone mad. I didn't want to have to think and consider the costs of total revelation. I didn't want to hide truths, no matter how ugly, shameful and embarassing they might be. Maybe in my bumbling, stumbling walk of faith and my discovery of what being a Christian meant we might all obtain a clearer picture.Many years ago I went on a Christian bulletin board system and publicly confessed my consumption of pornography. I emailed all the guy friends I had from church the same message. It was far from a natural thing to do. The costs were high. I ran the risk of being ostracized and faced the fear that word of my "deviant" struggles would reach the girl I liked, destroying whatever hopes of reciprocity I held in my heart.
This was at a time we surfed the networks with ASCII terminals and keystrokes rather than the graphical browsers and iconic interfaces we have today.
I write this tonight because I had to. My struggles are nowhere near over, and it scares me to think that I'm still fighting my own demons after so many years. When I set my eyes on things above Christ grants me enough grace that I may succeed, but my wandering eye often focuses on things here and now. I do not want to fail anymore. I want so much that I may no longer have to battle this lust that lies within my heart. That I may be able to look upon woman with purity of intent and love. I know how far and how sinful I am, and it is truly only by the grace of God I stand in Christ Jesus. By myself I am nothing.
Dearest belovéd, I hope that you do not judge me, though even if you do I have little care for it. His judgement is heavier upon my heart, but His love greater than all my sin. In this time of frailty I can only say that I want to want to seek His face. I dare not promise more for I know the state of my own heart.
Keep me in your prayers, that I may not only find, but stay in the deliverance and grace found in Him.
I love you all.

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