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Having Faith

I've been calling Faith in China the past few mornings (when it's night there). She's seems to be having the time of her life working at a leper village helping build homes under Habitat for Humanity. Digging drainage and a fish pond may not be most people's version of fun, but being the sunshine that she is, not even the winter cold has gotten to her.
I must admit that it is hard to stay happy for her. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that she's all right and everything, but being the paranoid boyfriend / fiancé that I am, worry just gets to me. It becomes difficult when the one you talk to happens to be the source of all the worry.
<blockquote>"I wouldn't have had to go through all this emotional anguish if she'd just chosen to care about me".
"It's my exam period for goodness sake".
"I wouldn't have done this to her!"
"I gave up [insert list 1 here] and [insert list 2 here] for her!"</blockquote>
Much as I'm ashamed to say, these thoughts try so hard to delineate me from thinking straight. God becomes a background static noise as I duke it out within myself and let the bitter waters run.
When I talk to her over the phone the dichotomy gets so much stronger. How do I resolve the joy of hearing her voice and knowing that she was the source of all this pain? Subtle finger-pointing resumes and it becomes all about us again. Her wanting to learn new things and me wanting her to care about … well, me.
God's voice doesn't stay silent for long. His call for me – for us – to give up our all unto Him beckons me again and I come spiritually weeping at His feet. I am so very weak and self-involved. You see, the lesson here was that having faith meant giving Faith up, and knowing that all things work for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
The Son shines on a new day, and His warmth reaches even the most selfish, the most wicked and the most unworthy of us all.
Me.

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