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The Patients of Job

In other news, I got a job. I actually received the call a few days ago but was debating the merits of forsaking my privacy for a more intimate fellowship with an audience I do not know or see. In the meantime, I'll tell you that I'll be working in a Christian organisation. That much I'll reveal for now because there are things I'd like to share with you.
I stepped out of the bath just now and in one carthartic moment wondered, "can God use someone so ambitious?". I'll have you know I had great plans for my life. I still have great plans for my life. Plans I find hard to give to God.
For as long as I could remember, I've always wanted to be a writer. I've always wanted to touch people's lives, change the way they look at the world, and perhaps be remembered in the annals of contemporary lore.
When the door closed on my pursuit of obtaining a degree in English literature I found myself lost. I drifted into a diploma course in international business. Though I grasped the concepts and theories, I could not envision myself being part of the business machine. At the same time, my pride could not envision me failing.
I don't know what went wrong. How I landed here. How the whole business of web design landed on my lap. Photography. Information architecture. I live and breathe it. I spend hours reading up on these things. I love it, but not half as much as I love crafting a short story. To this day, I still dream of making it as a writer.Recognising the competitor in me took many years. Erick, my childhood friend, tried many times to tell me. But I denied the existence of such a Hyde and chose instead to repress it. Maybe no one would ever see him. But pride lies at my core, hidden behind a thin veneer of gratitude to God.
But honestly, can God use such an ambitious man like myself? I thought about Moses who was a prince in Pharoah's court. He was a learned man, probably skilled in architecture (they built the pyramids at that time) and possessing a lot of knowledge. He spent the next forty years in exile as a shepherd. God had to strip away the old Moses so that he could be used to lead God's people out of Egypt. Forty years of his youth. That's a tremendous price to pay.
"But I don't want to be like Moses," I cried to the Lord. Why can't I be successful and godly? Why can't I be like Job?
Job was undoubtedly the richest man in his time. When Satan suggested to God that Job's faith was tied to his earthly success, everything was taken away from him. He lost his wealth, his houses and his family in one fell swoop. He would later lose his health and his friends as well. In his poverty he chose the Lord.
It was purely a slip of the tongue (or mind) that I said I wanted to be like Job. I remembered Job in his abundance, forgetting that he underwent probably the most painful human experience. I hardly have the strength Job displayed. I just wanted to run away from it all. If anyone could empathise with my situation, it would have been Job.
I shared my struggles with Faith. She told me that she too has cried out unto God regarding me. My own cries to God aren't stuff of spiritual inspiration. It is often a "Why God?". The ingrate that I am.
It was only yesterday we sang a new song at Youth Fellowship.
<blockquote>I see the Lord seated on the throne, exalted
And the train of His robe
Fills the temple with glory
And the whole earth is filled
The whole earth is filled
And the whole earth is filled
With His glory</blockquote>
When you see the Lord seated on the throne, you see eternity. All ambition melts away.
So here I stand at the threshold of a different life. It is not the life I had planned. I am reminded that everything I have comes from Him. That I have pledged my life to Him. That the call to <a href="http://www.tribolum.com/archives/2003/09/30/submission.php">mission work was imprinted on my life</a> the moment I was born. My pride makes me forget so many things. It was only moments ago Faith looked at me and told me that all the things I've been blessed with were given so that I would give it back to God.
He says that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few (<a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=MATT+9:37&language=english&version=NIV&showfn=on&showxref=on">Matthew 9:27</a>). With His strength I stand and hold the sickle in my hand.
Here am I, send me.

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