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Wish I Had A River

<blockquote><p>It's coming on Christmas<br />
They're cutting down trees<br />
They're putting up reindeer<br />
And singing songs of joy and peace<br />
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on<br />
But it don't snow here<br />
It stays pretty green<br />
I'm going to make a lot of money<br />
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene<br />
Oh I wish I had a river<br />
I could skate away on</p>
<p>Oh I wish I had a river so long<br />
I would teach my feet to fly<br />
Oh I wish I had a river<br />
I made my baby cry.</p>
</blockquote>
I have Joni Mitchell's <em>River</em> playing on repeat right now. In a few hours I will be flying to Arizona, my home away from home. Due to problems with the schedule, Faith will not be flying with me.
It is my first time away from her since we've been married. She broke into tears while packing my things with me yesterday and also tonight. Tomorrow she will cry again while sending me off, and it fire-brands my heart to know I wouldn't be able to hug her then.
Some of you are probably right to think that I am not a good husband. It certainly feels that way. I have always envisioned Faith by my side whenever I had to be the good son or good brother, but this time it seems like they are mutually exclusive choices. I really hate myself for having to choose, and even more for looking forward to watch an Arizonan sunset without her. Leaving her alone for Christmas. What kind of a husband am I anyway?
"I wish I had a river so long", sings Robert Downey Jr, "I made my baby cry". Even though I'll be physically many, many miles away, there is no place for my heart to hide. Every minute that passes brings about the inevitable crying / unable to hug her scenario tomorrow. My heart is headed for a collison course.
Amid tears, she told me that she'd do fine. I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't know if I'd do ok myself. Now alone in the study I find the time to cry it out.
I wish I had a river.

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