Present Continuous

Min sent an email detailing her business trips to California and her short holiday to Vancouver. It has been a year since she graduated, and her new work visa is due to come in, which probably means she'll be staying in the States. I'm guessing for another year at least. It's a long time to not see someone I've lived with and seen every single day for most of my adult life. She seems very happy with her job.
I am happy. Sorta.
Having been kept awake by Anne and her flailing arms for the past 3 hours, this is probably going to sound like a teenage rant.
A hormonal outburst. Premature menopause without having ever had the meno.When I read Min's emails, or read <a href="">Carol's</a>, <a href="">Zhenlin's</a> or <a href="">Wenyang's</a> blogs, I tend to live vicariously through them. They live on the flipside of my reality: what life might have been, in a sense. They're out there doing their global thing, Wenyang now in Japan and the rest in Arizona.
Maybe I'm feeling a little depressed seeing everyone I know ponder over where they should live, what careers they should have etc., while my own sleep cycle is dictated to me by a four month old girl.
It is probably a bad time to be retrospective while sleep deprived (and I can't get back to sleep), but sometimes I feel like my whole life has been a series of serving other people.
Visions of Mother Teresa fill my head, and I know the above statement is an utter overstatement, but allow me to rant, if you will.
I've never been to prom. There were two in my life, one for Secondary school and one for when I graduated from Polytechnic. I stayed home those nights because Faith and I spoke on the phone every night. I never went to my University convocation as I was always on the first plane home. I planned a trip to Yellowstone National Park but opted for tamer San Diego instead, because Yellowstone would mean a lot of trekking, and Min doesn't like trekking as much as I do. I still have plans for the design company I started, but am slowly finding out that baby-minding and running the business means I have no time for anything else.
It is not fair to say that the course of my life was determined by the women in it. For the most part, they never demanded it of me. Faith never demanded that I fly home immediately; Min never even knew that I had Yellowstone Park plans in mind; and Anne… well, Anne demands it of me, but never says it in English.
I chose to do what I did, to be where I am because I believe it is the right thing to do. There is nothing righter in the world than to love your wife, your sisters or your daughter.
There's <a href="">Web Essentials 2005</a> in Sydney later this year, and then there's a church organised trip to Myanmar to help out an orphanage. And the way business is going, there's only enough money for one or the other. There's nothing "righter", a no-brainer.
Maybe I'm over-estimating the satisfaction of choosing one's own path. The one big break or the one big move. Behind every one of these choices, someone does the background stuff. The right thing. Parents working hard so their children can enjoy an overseas education. <strike>Wives</strike> Spouses working hard so their other halves can pursue their careers.
I started writing this at 6 in the morning. It is now 8:45am and Anne sits on her bouncer chair beside me. She looked at me this morning, muttering something while smiling cheekily.
I don't know what she said, but it gave me enough strength to clean up her doo-dooed bottom she soiled while saying it to me. The long-term seems so mundane, but the day-to-day is so very unpredictable.
Maybe God's hand doesn't always paint with broad sweeping strokes. Maybe He works in small ways, like Anne's dimple or the gurgling sound she makes as her poop hits her diaper. Maybe I should stop the "maybes" and believe that His grace is sufficient for me, and that it comes daily and in small packages.
Forgive my ungrateful heart.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *