Min left for Tucson this morning. There are times I believe myself to be elven, for the grief I feel is really too soon, and too deep for me to endure. I dare not look too closely lest I lose myself in tears.
Having spent more than two years living with her, it was so hard to watch her walk through those gates alone. We hugged before she left, and it was when I hugged her that tears welled in her eyes. When Mom tried to reassure her that everything would be fine, she looked at me and broke down, “But Kor Kor (Chinese dialect for older brother) not there”.
The scene loops endlessly in my mind. The small things that we did together come back to me. How we’d rush out to buy dinner so we could make it back in time for Friends. How we used to walk to school together. It is hard to remember all of it without breaking down in tears.
Faith cried this morning too, feeling responsible for taking a brother away from a sister. Not only is my heart torn apart by the calling of two lands, but the loves of my life. I feel like I let Min down in some way, not being able to take care of her, making sure she eats properly or going shopping with her.
I have the theme song “I Believe” from the Korean movie “My Sassy Girl” playing on repeat as I type this out. Min made me watch it with her. My heart feels like it’s about to explode. I watch helplessly as my sister walks out of view, my love’s futile reach not extending past the glass walls, let alone the thousands of miles that would soon separate us both.
I grieve, because I love. But I stop because I believe that God watches over her every step of the way. I believe.
Come home soon, Min. I don’t know how I’ll survive without you.