I haven’t written in a while because many things have happened in the last few days. Of these things one thing struck enough fear in my heart that I needed to escape. Writing would mean thinking, and thinking would mean having to face it again.
Uncle Bobby Sng spoke last Sunday. He spoke about how the apostle Paul was forever changed on one special day when Jesus appeared to him. How he changed from the persecutor of Christians to become one who was persecuted for being a Christian. Then Uncle Bobby asked the question: Do you remember your special day?
I remember my special day. I remember feeling that God wanted me to choose the path less travelled. To give up the rat race and concentrate on His work and His people. The call rang clear through the sterile silence of my mind. I was exhilarated, then afraid, then forgetful. “Praying about it” became a buffer for me to forget I ever heard anything.
In between my pride and my own sinfulness I found myself rejecting the call. I wanted, and still want, to accomplish as much as I can, the justification being that I would be of greater “use” to God then. And when I take a good close look at myself I see how wretched of an example of a Christian I am. I do not want my hands to dirty what has to be pure.
I am in a comfortable place. I have a steady income and the freedom to explore and learn new skills on my own time. To give this up seems almost a foolhardy thing to do.
But Lord, I want to do what you want me to do. I know that I lie to myself when I say I want to accomplish more so that I can give you more. I can’t even give you the little I have right now. My hands are incapable of doing Your work and my heart is deceitful above all things. Help me. Help me choose wisely and give me the strength to choose You. I am weak, but You are strong.
Update: While I was typing this, a group was praying just outside my cubicle for my director’s son who got in a very bad motor accident. Life cannot be wasted on things that do not last. Pray for me.
I find myself slightly breathless even as I type this. Neo must have felt the same when Morpheus asked him whether he wanted the red or blue pill. It is not just the fact that taking the wrong pill could adversely change my life forever; I’m just hoping not to choke on the very big pill.